so tired

i feel so tired these days. no energy. no oomph. it's either because i quit smoking or i just got old all of a sudden. probably a combination of both. so this lack of energy and the non stop nonsense of working in a room with other people took a big toll on my trading recently. i have to hide everything and i can't look at my charts in luxury or just stare at the tape. i was able to get back from the IBM fiasco to near even and then i went and stupidly bought POT.

what's even worse is my handling of the aftermath. in 3 days i managed to loose 11K. unbelievable. i had anticipated the worse case sceanrio for the next day also. i thought we might gap up $2, in which case i'll liquidate at the open and take the hit. unfortunately, i have been drinking a whole lot more lately. like every other day i get drunk and that was one of those days. but, even after that i wouldn't listen to my conscience. i kept thinking to myself collapse this trade...under 85 is still not bad. but, nooooooooo.....i held it over the weekend and watched it rise to 88.5....today with all the bad news and carnage, it was one of the few stocks that went up.

that's the death knell...you know ur fucked when the market goes down and your stock goes up and stays up. i can't tell you how bad i felt in the morning. i wanted to cry. by the afternoon, emotionally i was sucked dry. like a french prisoner about to be guillitoined, i went out and looked at the sky. fuck it. end of the day and it's still at 89. sell at 3. 30 secs to close and i'm liquid again. i just don't care anymore.

i got beaten bad on this one. but, the worst part is. i don't even feel like trading anymore. my parents, all the haters who said day trading is gambling won...i've lost my passion. now, i'm back to being a normal 9 to 5'er. i'll probably end up a fat, alcoholic, do nothing all day fuck, stuck in a dusty government cubicle for the rest of my pathetic miserable life, until i retire and have to move to butt fuck West Virginia, because i have no money.

when i get to 50, i'm definitely buying a gun. no way i'm going out like a dog.

whack day

as you know i was long GS and X and when i checked in the morning...the futures were up, fairly nicely. but, i didn't like it. i was worried about the downside. i thought it was a setup. i usually compute sell level, but maybe it was the hangover or that i needed to get to work at some point, but i didn't compute crap. i just sold at the open. i was more worried about GS and sold that first and then got rid of X. i should have done the opposite, because GS went on a massive tear for the rest of the day...up over 6 ducks...i left a lot on the table. but, i don't have any regrets about that because the action for the whole day was pretty illogical...i thought definitely we needed a rally, some bounce back and that would have been around 100 points on the DOW, but GS closed it's entire gap, i.e., it went from 108 to 101 and then back to 108....it only sold off some at the close. that made no sense to me. i wanted to short it at 106, luckily i didn't. it was a scary market.

i did however, create a minor faux paus...before i left for work, my conviction for the downside was such that i shorted IBM around 96. actually it was a level i had computed from the day before. so i get to work and crap IBM is at 97.5...there goes my theory. the market was tepid but GS and IBM were blazing. the rest of my screen was pretty limp. weird. around midday i bought some more IBM puts...i wanted to average down and this really felt like a fake out rally. no way would i value IBM at 98. fuck that.

IBM held up pretty good for the rest of the day. it and GS cracked at the close, so no i am about break even, but tomorrow is critical. the market is overall at a balance right now, with some stocks like GS and IBM overbought...so we could go in any direction tomorrow. i might be out of this trade fairly quickly although back to 94 would be nice.

two pretty girls are playing catch ball in the park below my office. how nice. spring is finally here. i have to go home and do taxes. fuck. merde.

jammin...but not so jammin'

like i said yesterday, my gut feeling was yelling long, but i was short BNI at the close of the day, with a bad strike price and not the best buy levels. so i was kind of sweating it yesterday night, but when i woke up this morning and checked my computer, surprise surprise, the futures were down quite a bit.

i wasn't sure why, but i didn't want to hold on to my shorts and sold them straight away at the open, although i didn't get the best open prices, but i mean BNI gapped down over $2...which is quite a lot and i thought don't be greedy. then i dressed up and zoomed to work.

i get to work and the whole market is tanking bad. GM is dead, which is the official excuse. but all traders knew that GM had been dead for a while. i don't know why, but the market went down hard and it stayed down hard all day. very little chop. just downward trajectory. i had a feeling we would retest the lows one more time, before we went higher and i think this day was it. should i have held on to my BNI's ? honestly, i didn't expect such a big day down on large volume and no big reversals of any kind. very surprising.

so, being the dolt that i am, i decided to go long. usually on such major drops i wait for the end of the day to enter...but, i broke the rule and bought BNI calls around 11 and then some more just a few minutes later (that's a big trader's no-no) and bought some more 2 hours later. basically, i used up my whole account to buy BNI calls. how do you spell BAD MOVE ;/

actually, i am not too worried...stocks generally held up much better than the index's point drops show. i bought BNI pretty near the bottom and the last hour's action was OK...it didn't gap down a couple of points on me. and i'm still feeling LONG...this is bullshit overselling...i just hope i have the balls to hold this position for longer than a day...but i doubt that :)

the only bad news is that i have to travel for work tomorrow and will be out of action from 10-11 atleast...peak hours. i really wanted to watch the opening tape...because, you know what we say, fuck gut feeling...the TAPE is GOD> or this may be GOD>'s way of telling me something......HELP !!!

i'm really starving for some low down, smoky, drinky, fun :p