so tired

i feel so tired these days. no energy. no oomph. it's either because i quit smoking or i just got old all of a sudden. probably a combination of both. so this lack of energy and the non stop nonsense of working in a room with other people took a big toll on my trading recently. i have to hide everything and i can't look at my charts in luxury or just stare at the tape. i was able to get back from the IBM fiasco to near even and then i went and stupidly bought POT.

what's even worse is my handling of the aftermath. in 3 days i managed to loose 11K. unbelievable. i had anticipated the worse case sceanrio for the next day also. i thought we might gap up $2, in which case i'll liquidate at the open and take the hit. unfortunately, i have been drinking a whole lot more lately. like every other day i get drunk and that was one of those days. but, even after that i wouldn't listen to my conscience. i kept thinking to myself collapse this trade...under 85 is still not bad. but, nooooooooo.....i held it over the weekend and watched it rise to 88.5....today with all the bad news and carnage, it was one of the few stocks that went up.

that's the death knell...you know ur fucked when the market goes down and your stock goes up and stays up. i can't tell you how bad i felt in the morning. i wanted to cry. by the afternoon, emotionally i was sucked dry. like a french prisoner about to be guillitoined, i went out and looked at the sky. fuck it. end of the day and it's still at 89. sell at 3. 30 secs to close and i'm liquid again. i just don't care anymore.

i got beaten bad on this one. but, the worst part is. i don't even feel like trading anymore. my parents, all the haters who said day trading is gambling won...i've lost my passion. now, i'm back to being a normal 9 to 5'er. i'll probably end up a fat, alcoholic, do nothing all day fuck, stuck in a dusty government cubicle for the rest of my pathetic miserable life, until i retire and have to move to butt fuck West Virginia, because i have no money.

when i get to 50, i'm definitely buying a gun. no way i'm going out like a dog.